First Person: Breaking away from being a people pleaser

I find myself at yet another lunchtime discussion, surrounded by friends who are diving into Harry Potter lore. I sit there, nodding along. I couldn’t care less about the origin of Hogwarts yet my heart races as I realize I have nothing to add into the conversation. But instead of admitting I don’t care and know nothing, I smile and continue nodding like an idiot.

“Don’t you agree Sophie?” one of my friends says to me. I agreed without even hearing what they had asked.

In that moment, I was a chameleon, shifting my colours to match the world around me. While inside, I was a ball of anxiety and self-hatred. I’ve mastered the art of blending in, being able to morph into whatever version of myself to fit in and not be seen.

Throughout my teen years, I believed this made me the worst person since I just lied to everyone I met. I was never being me and mirroring others so they would like me.

Now that I’m 21, the question of “who am I?” looms. I want to peel away the walls I’ve built up, but I often find myself paralyzed by anxiety. What if there’s nothing underneath? What if I’m just a mix of borrowed traits and interests?

I began putting the small remains of myself together. I’ve come to realize I’m a boring person and simple things bring me joy.

The simple act of getting an email from the library saying I can pick up my books excites me. I used to think this was a guilty pleasure since most people I hung out with preferred spending their time partying.

I see now that it truly doesn’t matter, I will find people that have the same interests as me. There was no reason for me to hide parts of myself just to please those around me.

“I used to always want to please others and just follow my friends,” said Sarah McDonald, a first-year student in the law clerk program. “Now, I think differently, and rather than trying to please others, I have accepted that if you want to be happy, you can’t please everyone around you.”

When I moved to Ottawa after high school, I had no friends. I was alone at university and hated every second of it. I jumped into kinesiology because all my friends were going into science, and I didn’t want to be the only one not taking a “smart” program.

After moving, I made the wise decision to stop talking to my high school friends. I tried so hard to act like them, but I was never smart enough for their liking.

I spent two years at uOttawa completely alone, I could go a full day without talking to anyone. This gave me a lot of time to look inward.

“I really had a hard time adjusting when I first came to Ottawa, but I think the most growth I’ve had was being alone and away from my family for two years,” said my co-worker from Knix Stephanie Barrios, a political science student from Carleton College. “I didn’t have my parents to run to and have them help me with paying my bills and stuff. It was a wake-up call in the sense you either sink or swim. It’s been hard but also intensely gratifying since it forced my inner self out of my shell.”

Though I am an introverted person, I have always enjoyed being a part of a friend group, but I have come to realize that being alone is the best for me to find out who I am.

There are still times where I get the question of “what do you want to do after you graduate?” or “what do you do for fun?” and I have no answer. But that’s okay, I’m still figuring myself out.

I’m me and I shouldn’t be ashamed of the things that make me a person or try to change myself to please others.